Here was the response I received from someone else who read my letter...
I so appreciate your letter and how it mirrors my faith transition. I thought the November 2015 exclusion policy was a contradiction of commandments and AOF, but I still believed the brethren were communicating with God. My first cracks began listening to RMN 's Oct 2018 conference talk about ceasing to permit the word "Mormons ". I recalled all I could in 41 years TBM--Mormon Helping Hands, MTC, I'm a Mormon social media blitz, hundreds of church pub with "Mormon" in the title , primary songs, etc. How is it possible that all of them were serving Satan? Whose been guiding the church for the past decades?
So I began to study prophets and what they do/are and decided to begin with JS Jr. I was a long time temple worker, 6 years teaching Seminary, and ward SS /primary/RS teacher 11 straight years. I love the youth! I discovered Mormon Stories podcast. Then the CES letter. DBY, Mormon leaks, think, Radio Free Mormon, and down the rabbit hole I went. I didn't raise my hand to sustain the leadership in ward conference.
Months of intense study, despair, tears, sleeplessness, anger, grief, and pain, cognitive dissonance, I wondered outloud to my husband of 40 years, "what if the church is not true?" Suddenly the mental turmoil ceased. Then the ramifications of that swirled in my mind as we discussed what our future might be. I am so fortunate that our love transcends our church membership! Our children are a mixed circumstance. Daughter is divine and I even bonded better than ever with SIL who made me my first cup of coffee! Other child is TBM and heavily all in with her family, but we are not seen as pariahs or weird.
I feel exhilaration and freedom at last to decide for myself what to wear, consume, and how to spend my time and talents, while simultaneously a bit of fear that everything I thought was solid as granite is now firm as tomato sauce!
Most of my ward is unaware of my beliefs now and no one has asked. I stopped attending meetings in April. I still visit one sister and I don't even know if she's been assigned to someone else .
At the moment, I have not been contacted by the bishop and still have a valid party card. Went for a session earlier this year and was praying for some revelation, but the heavens were silent.
I am happier, kinder, and energized more than ever before to live for today and not some uncertain future life !
Best of luck to you and to your project for truth and transparency!